This column is bad for your health

Sometimes science just makes me smile. Like when a story comes out about some new cutting-edge research showing that coffee is a superfood or kale causes warts or jogging leads to premature hair loss.

I sit back and smile and go, “Uh, yep. I might just live forever.”

Whelp, it’s been nice knowing you, but it seems my days are numbered.

Today’s science news is not so bright and cheery. Science is now trying to say that there are a couple of character traits that may be seriously deadly.

Sarcasm and cynicism. Deadly and deadlier.

Pppht. Ya. Right. Sarcasm is deadly. Oooh, I’m scared.

And cynicism is too? I’ll believe that when you pry “The Catcher in the Rye” from my cold, dead hands.

But, OK Science, I’ll bite. Whatta ya got?

Science: We put together a solid research team at the University of Tennessee and we have found that heart attack survivors who are sarcastic or cynical are at greater risk of dying within two years — of another heart attack.

That sounds made up to me. C’mon, Science. You’re going to have to do better than that. How do you know this?

Science: We studied more than 2,300 people who had just survived a heart attack. Those who displayed hostile character traits — including sarcasm, cynicism, resentment, impatience or irritability — were at much greater risk of dying of a second heart attack within the next two years.

I don’t believe it. If you’re so smart, Science, tell me WHY sarcasm would cause a heart attack?

Science: We think it may be due to their emotional state being consistently negative, which puts a strain on their health.

But … What? Why? Are these the shadows of the things that will be, or are they shadows of the things that may be only? Is it too late to change my sarcastic and cynical ways, Science? Why show me this University of Tennessee study, Science, if I am past all hope?

Science: We’re done here. We gotta go. We have some rats who are about to prove that eating pizza daily prevents hair loss, hair greying, nose hairs, back hairs and those three-inch-long hairs that spontaneously spring from the top of your ear in the time it takes you to drive to work in the morning.

But hey, good luck with that heart attack and second heart attack. Love the column. Very sarcastic.

Monster of the Week

Our Monster (Monsters, actually) of the Week are nominated by reader Tracey (with an e) and she is taking a massive swing at her entire family here.

So, if you are related to a Tracey (with an e), you might want to look away.

Tracey (with an e) says that her family, and she pleads guilty too, refuses to follow a simple rule — if you take it out, put it back.

“These monsters … ” (I like the spirit, Tracey (with an e)! Attack!) “… think nothing of preparing a meal for themselves, and leaving every single item used in construction on the counter.”

Dishes on every counter. Cheese, naked, on the cutting board. Condiments left open, their lids tossed aside. Bread left carelessly out of the bag to dry out like tiny, flat, little beached whales. The horror, Tracey (with an e). The horror.

But we all know who is to blame for this monsterly behaviour. It’s Tracey (with an e). Because sometimes she cleans up her own mess, but she is also the first one to crack and clean up the messes left by others.

“I enable them. It is a weakness for sure,” she writes.

Listen, you monsters, poor Tracey (with an e) is walking around thinking she’s a weak enabler. She’s picking up your dried out old cheese and bread slices, screwing the tops back onto your gherkins and mayo jars and questioning where she went wrong in life (OK, maybe I made that last one up).

If you have a Tracey (with an e) in your family, you might just want to take a long look in the mirror today and think about what you’ve done and how you can be better tomorrow.

To every Tracey (with an e) out there, you are welcome. Or, I’m sorry. Hard to say what the fallout from this is going to be.