Waterloo Region Record

Wife didn’t tell the truth to husband about sexual past

Ellie

Q: I married the girl of my dreams and my first love 48 years ago. I was 21, she was 22. On our wedding night, I became suspicious because she displayed a confident knowledge of what we were doing.

She attributed that to her nursing education. I believed her.

Four children and 12 years into our marriage, she suffered an emotional breakdown. After counselling came the admission: She’d lied about her virginity and her experience with other men, before and during our courtship.

I was devastated, feeling trapped in our marriage by the loving children we’d made. She’d been faithful ever since, but she’d lied to me for 12 years. She later explained she’d known if she’d told me the truth, I’d dump her.

I forgave her for her lying, but never got over feeling cheated. It took me several years to kiss her again and even longer to make love to her. Our intimacy was never the same.

My advice: Always be 100 per cent honest with issues of past lovers. Lies can be devastating.

Still In Love

A: Life is too short to nurse a grievance endlessly.

Loving someone means rising to the task of forgiving them, too. Four children and a wife who suffered an emotional breakdown for her long-ago deception have been the foundation of your family life. The past became irrelevant years ago. These are your senior years now — live and love to the fullest.

Q: My daughter, 27, was diagnosed with ADHD while in elementary school, and is still on medication. However, she’s still quick to anger, and often hurls abuse at my wife and me. We need a solution.

We understand she needs to take ownership of her behaviour. She saw a counsellor herself, but she didn’t feel she was making progress.

Also, she has an abusive boyfriend. She’s not innocent in this situation, but he demeans her, driving her into a frenzy. She goes back to him because she “doesn’t want to be alone.”

How can we help her care for herself enough to treat others appropriately? Frustrated and Worried Parents

A: There are counsellors, psychotherapists and other mental health specialists who treat people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Cognitive behavioural therapy is also offered as a mental health treatment.

Your daughter’s physician may be able to refer her to someone appropriate for her age and goals.

ADHD is considered a group of behavioural symptoms that include inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. It’s one among different “neurodiverse” conditions including dyspraxia, dyslexia and autism including Asperger’s. As she and you have painfully learned, it’s not a simple condition to handle or adjust. Of key importance is your daughter’s desire to make changes for her own sake.An “abusive boyfriend” is the worst possible partner for her.

She urgently needs the guidance of a mental health specialist. Your support is important but should be in the background now.

Ellie’s tip of the day

The present and future are what matter most in a continuing relationship, especially when love has persisted.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star. Send your questions to ellie@thestar.ca.

ARTS & LIFE

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2021-10-23T07:00:00.0000000Z

2021-10-23T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://waterloorecord.pressreader.com/article/281986085759578

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