Forgive mom, but not your siblings

Q Recently, my mother fell flat on her face, ending up in the hospital with a broken nose, concussion and severe bleeding as she was on blood thinners. She also has diabetes, a heart condition and a weak right leg.

I joined her while she waited to be medically assessed. She’s been in a head-on collision, a year before, coming away with a concussion, bruised ribs and difficulty walking.

I used a sick day to accompany her. I’m the oldest child with a flexible work life, so felt it was my responsibility to support her as my three other siblings also work.

My mother wanted to leave the hospital. But the doctor warned she’d lost a lot of blood and should stay for observation. Upon reviewing her meds with him, she didn’t mention one of her prescriptions, which were long expired.

The doctor warned that these meds are dangerous for older adults (i.e. cause falls), but she said she needed them for sleep. (I later took them to a pharmacy for disposal.)

I stayed with her until she was admitted and resting; I got her food and water. When she was released from hospital, my sister took her home. I called my mother every day.

A week later, she was swearing at me, stating that I’d “called the Ministry of Transportation to get her driver’s licence suspended.”

I was unaware this had happened and said I’d not called anyone.

After several days, my mother insisted it was my fault. My siblings then turned on me. They backed my mother’s assertion of fault for her lost licence.

She started taking Uber rides for various appointments. She’s also been insisting the next-oldest sister drive her for errands and shopping.

My sister’s angry, saying that it’s my fault that she had to do this.

I’m no longer comfortable being alone with my mother, due to any future false claims. She recently emailed me a list of Uber charges for about $2,000 stating that I had to pay because she lost her licence. My sisters continue to blame me for this situation.

Fed Up with Family

A Your care and concern for your mother at a time of crisis was what family is for. As the eldest of her children, you gave her the time and care she needed.

But the rest of your siblings are users. They didn’t show up or offer help, and left everything to you.

Your mother’s poor health is behind why she blamed you for being unable to drive — it’s a harsh blow to many older seniors’ lives. Forgive her. But know you can’t rely on your siblings.

Dear Readers: More than halfway through this first month of 2022, I looked back at some of the lingering annoyances and persistent grudges expressed by letter writers during the pandemic. I published very few of them: So much wasted potential for finding creative solutions and resolving minor relationship issues on one’s own!

Here’s an example of these so-called crises:

Reader No. 1: “My neighbour upstairs is very noisy! Our small boutique-style condo building is only three years old. I purposefully bought here thinking only very selective people would choose it.

“When COVID arrived and lockdowns began, my neighbour, a single woman living directly above my unit, moved her parents in with her. I could hear heavy furniture being moved. It destroyed my peace of mind. Too many parcels are delivered to that unit, cluttering our mail room. I spoke to her about it when the lockdown was over, and she ignored me!”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Personal relationship issues deserve an honest effort, or meaningful change.

ELLIE TESHER IS AN ADVICE COLUMNIST FOR THE STAR AND BASED IN TORONTO. SEND YOUR RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS

VIA EMAIL: ELLIE@THESTAR.CA.