Waterloo Region Record

Just merging, not act of aggression

CHUCK BROWN CHUCK BROWN CAN BE REACHED AT BROWN.CHUCK@GMAIL.COM

I just had a minor near-death experience, thanks to an attempted zipper merge. Have you tried this zipper merge technique? And did you survive?

I don’t get why we’re still fighting over zipper merges in this country but we most certainly are. Drivers here are saying, violently, that they would like to keep sitting in gridlock and leave a full traffic lane empty rather than calmly and intelligently embracing the zipper merge, which is widely accepted in most parts of the world.

“Do not try to zipper merge me,” we say. I’m paraphrasing. We actually say, “@#$%&!”

OK. That’s fine. The mob says no zipper merge so there’s no zipper merge.

Except for this. Governments all over the country have been trying to educate us for several years on the benefits of the zipper merge. There are videos, social media campaigns, and signs all saying the same thing — the zipper merge works. It reduces gridlock. It will get all of us where we want to go, and it will get us there faster.

But we all have to work together. Work together for the benefit of all of us? Again, we say, “Nope.”

Let’s pump the brakes for a second and get into what a zipper merge is.

It’s pretty basic. Instead of merging early and joining the gridlock lane like a scared little ferret, you stay in your lane, like a brave moose, until you reach the orange cones marking the end of your lane.

This is your merge point — time to move over and, at the next traffic stop, get your window punched out.

Yes, sadly, it only works if the driver in the lane you merged into is co-operative. They go next, followed by the next merging car and on it goes, taking turns, being friendly, maybe even smiling and waving with more than just one finger. The pattern is like a zipper. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

Ya. Well, I was cruising along last week in mid-to-late afternoon. OK. I left work early. Busted. Traffic was light but there were a few vehicles on the highway. It was moderate. Nothing serious. A great time, I thought, to try a zipper merge. I was terrified.

I came down the on-ramp and surveyed the scene. Lots of gaps between vehicles. Should be fine, I thought. I’ll just pull a minor zipper. I won’t drive aaaaallllll the way to the end of the on-ramp before merging and I won’t drive aaaaaalllll the way to the end of the traffic cones at the end of the lane, which is closed due to construction.

I’ll do a baby zipper merge and just bop along the road a little bit then slide over into the left lane when there’s an opening and off we all go.

I put on my blinker and tried to ease over and — shocking but not really shocking — the driver behind me sped up to block me.

This took some energy and effort on her part because she closed that gap like a linebacker when I could have easily and safely merged over. But apparently my driving in the open lane instead of immediately wedging over into the left lane of traffic was not going to be greeted with any zipper merge admiration.

I wasn’t trying to be aggressive. I wasn’t looking to cut in. I wasn’t passing stuck and frustrated drivers in an effort to cheat my way a few hundred metres further down the road.

Well, the driver who wouldn’t let me in saw things differently. As she passed me after blocking me out, she indicated as much by telling me, “@#$%&!”. She followed that up with a lot more of the same. She was frothing. I know she didn’t have a weapon because if she did, I know she would have taken a shot at me. It was crazy.

And I’m a lucky one. I just got yelled at and, really, we both had our windows rolled up so I’m not sure what she was trying to accomplish anyway but I guess she vented and even though I couldn’t hear her, I got her message very @#$%&! clearly.

ARTS & LIFE

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2022-05-21T07:00:00.0000000Z

2022-05-21T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://waterloorecord.pressreader.com/article/282411287930234

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